And though he keeps the thought unvoiced, a bit of it shows in the narrowing of his eyes, the twist of his mouth.
He takes a breath – or at least, he appears to take a breath, though the air hardly seems to notice his efforts – in an effort to quell his annoyance. ]
Alright, then.
[ Low, quiet. ]
Assumin' what you're sayin' is true, assumin' Emma actually wants me here, then—
What is it you're tryin' to tell me, exactly? That I ought to help her— I dunno. Let go? Move on?
[ as thoroughly unconvinced as faraday seems to be, matthew knows there's no point really arguing with him over it; in matthew's eyes, the solidness of faraday's existence, the amount of time he's been bound to emma, should be proof enough, but, well, that's up to faraday to decide.
all he can offer instead is another unhelpful gesture, spreading his hands wide in something of "it's out of my control." ]
That's up to you. The both of you let go, and you can move past this kind of existence.
[ It's practically nothing, if he's honest. Which is probably why it's just as well he's not entirely convinced by Matthew's words, being bound here by Emma's desire. By her wanting him here; they'd become friendly with one another, sure, but he doubts it extends as far as Matthew seems to think it does.
Letting himself be bound by her, though – he can't argue that. ]
So? What would you do, then? Were you in my shoes.
[ it isn't much of an answer because matthew knows he can't make this decision for faraday — and he doesn't expect the man to take any advice he might offer, either. ]
If it were me instead?
[ he laughs once, though there's no humor in it. ]
I wouldn't want her fixated on a ghost. It's hard for her to be a part of this life when she's stuck on somethin' removed from it all. Anything she had with me like this wouldn't be...whole for her.
[ he shakes his head, glancing towards the cemetery again. ]
We wouldn't grow old together. We'd never have children. She'd have to go through everything never acknowledging me around other folks or recognizing that she's still married.
[ he finally looks back at faraday. ]
But since it's not like that between the two of you, I imagine those'll never be concerns for you to entertain. Suppose you don't have much to lose just bein' here with her.
[ Faraday grows still as Matthew speaks, something cold and bitter sinking in his gut as he goes on.
None of these were thoughts that had ever occurred to Faraday, but then again, why would they? Faraday has always been a selfish man, has always considered his own needs first before anyone else's.
The reminder of that selfishness is enough to make him wince and bow his head.
He hadn't thought of any of this. Hadn't considered the great impacts it would have on Emma's life, should she ever return his affections – a fact that still feels impossible to Faraday, regardless of what Matthew might say. Even beyond who he is, Emma couldn't – shouldn't – love him because of what he is.
And that hurts even worse.
And what kind of bastard was he, really, that he hadn't ever considered Emma's well-being in all this?
He's silent for a long moment, regret winding through his gut, sour and burning like bile. His expression is caught in a scowl. ]
All the same, ain't it? It's as you say – not much of a life for her, with me hangin' around. Bein' what I am.
[ His lips press together in a grim line, hands tensing over his belt. ]
I ought to leave her alone, is what you're sayin'.
[ there's a moment where matthew just considers him, then heaves a sigh, running a hand back through his hair. ]
Likely that's what'll be best for her.
[ so she can move on in the living world. find something (someone) that isn't dead. ]
...but she's a lot less lonely with you there.
[ which is what holds matthew up about it all. he's seen the difference in emma with faraday around; she lights up again, has more of her old self back, and part of him thinks that having it ripped away is too cruel.
but faraday isn't alive, just as matthew isn't.
wouldn't it be better if she tries to find something in the living world to make her happy again? ]
[ He huffs out a breath, something still dismissive. He'll grant that there's definitely been a change in Emma's behavior – more than a few qualities coming to light that he had never seen before the fight.
Is it because of him, though, or is it merely because time and distance from the battle with Bogue has allowed more of that to surface?
Hard to tell, he supposes. Hard to say.
He murmurs, ]
In the end, it's all the same, don't you think? Still a dead man pinin' after a woman he don't deserve.
[ And there it is, out in the open at last, and he risks only a momentary glance up at the admission. For a long while, Faraday is quiet, before he shakes his head. ]
You're right. [ And that's difficult to say, someone else being right, because that so often means that Faraday is wrong. ] Suppose I ought to leave it alone. Let her move on. She don't need anymore ghosts hauntin' her.
[ faraday's admission doesn't earn him any angry looks from matthew, nothing judgmental or offended (because he married emma for a reason, after all, and it's hard to blame another man for seeing her worth — especially when matthew isn't around to appreciate her like she ought to be). ]
As I said, you do what you think'll be in her best interests.
You won't be movin' on, though, long as you still feel like this for her.
[ which would mean being alone in rose creek, never seen and never acknowledged — except maybe by jack, of all things. ]
[ He huffs out a disbelieving laugh, dragging his gaze up to Matthew. ]
And how’s a man supposed to stop lovin’ someone?
[ Because the fact of the matter is, Faraday had thought it impossible to ever fall in love with someone in the first place. There’d been Ethel, all those years ago, but that hadn’t been real love. That had been an infatuation, a fleeting, warm sensation. He’d never met a woman like that before, and he had been smitten.
But this, what he feels for Emma – that was a dangerous blaze, compared to the spark he felt for Ethel, and he could no more douse that than he could put out a field on fire with a bucket of water. ]
Wouldn’t be the first time she’s been sore with me.
[ Might be the last, though, if he plays his cards right.
Faraday lets out a sigh, reaching up to rub at his neck again. In life, he would’ve tried to knead out some of the stiffness knotting his muscles; now, it’s simply muscle memory. ]
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no subject
And though he keeps the thought unvoiced, a bit of it shows in the narrowing of his eyes, the twist of his mouth.
He takes a breath – or at least, he appears to take a breath, though the air hardly seems to notice his efforts – in an effort to quell his annoyance. ]
Alright, then.
[ Low, quiet. ]
Assumin' what you're sayin' is true, assumin' Emma actually wants me here, then—
What is it you're tryin' to tell me, exactly? That I ought to help her— I dunno. Let go? Move on?
no subject
all he can offer instead is another unhelpful gesture, spreading his hands wide in something of "it's out of my control." ]
That's up to you. The both of you let go, and you can move past this kind of existence.
[ to wherever it is faraday's bound for. ]
You do what you think is best for her.
no subject
That ain't much of an answer.
[ It's practically nothing, if he's honest. Which is probably why it's just as well he's not entirely convinced by Matthew's words, being bound here by Emma's desire. By her wanting him here; they'd become friendly with one another, sure, but he doubts it extends as far as Matthew seems to think it does.
Letting himself be bound by her, though – he can't argue that. ]
So? What would you do, then? Were you in my shoes.
no subject
If it were me instead?
[ he laughs once, though there's no humor in it. ]
I wouldn't want her fixated on a ghost. It's hard for her to be a part of this life when she's stuck on somethin' removed from it all. Anything she had with me like this wouldn't be...whole for her.
[ he shakes his head, glancing towards the cemetery again. ]
We wouldn't grow old together. We'd never have children. She'd have to go through everything never acknowledging me around other folks or recognizing that she's still married.
[ he finally looks back at faraday. ]
But since it's not like that between the two of you, I imagine those'll never be concerns for you to entertain. Suppose you don't have much to lose just bein' here with her.
no subject
None of these were thoughts that had ever occurred to Faraday, but then again, why would they? Faraday has always been a selfish man, has always considered his own needs first before anyone else's.
The reminder of that selfishness is enough to make him wince and bow his head.
He hadn't thought of any of this. Hadn't considered the great impacts it would have on Emma's life, should she ever return his affections – a fact that still feels impossible to Faraday, regardless of what Matthew might say. Even beyond who he is, Emma couldn't – shouldn't – love him because of what he is.
And that hurts even worse.
And what kind of bastard was he, really, that he hadn't ever considered Emma's well-being in all this?
He's silent for a long moment, regret winding through his gut, sour and burning like bile. His expression is caught in a scowl. ]
All the same, ain't it? It's as you say – not much of a life for her, with me hangin' around. Bein' what I am.
[ His lips press together in a grim line, hands tensing over his belt. ]
I ought to leave her alone, is what you're sayin'.
no subject
Likely that's what'll be best for her.
[ so she can move on in the living world. find something (someone) that isn't dead. ]
...but she's a lot less lonely with you there.
[ which is what holds matthew up about it all. he's seen the difference in emma with faraday around; she lights up again, has more of her old self back, and part of him thinks that having it ripped away is too cruel.
but faraday isn't alive, just as matthew isn't.
wouldn't it be better if she tries to find something in the living world to make her happy again? ]
no subject
Is it because of him, though, or is it merely because time and distance from the battle with Bogue has allowed more of that to surface?
Hard to tell, he supposes. Hard to say.
He murmurs, ]
In the end, it's all the same, don't you think? Still a dead man pinin' after a woman he don't deserve.
[ And there it is, out in the open at last, and he risks only a momentary glance up at the admission. For a long while, Faraday is quiet, before he shakes his head. ]
You're right. [ And that's difficult to say, someone else being right, because that so often means that Faraday is wrong. ] Suppose I ought to leave it alone. Let her move on. She don't need anymore ghosts hauntin' her.
no subject
As I said, you do what you think'll be in her best interests.
You won't be movin' on, though, long as you still feel like this for her.
[ which would mean being alone in rose creek, never seen and never acknowledged — except maybe by jack, of all things. ]
no subject
And how’s a man supposed to stop lovin’ someone?
[ Because the fact of the matter is, Faraday had thought it impossible to ever fall in love with someone in the first place. There’d been Ethel, all those years ago, but that hadn’t been real love. That had been an infatuation, a fleeting, warm sensation. He’d never met a woman like that before, and he had been smitten.
But this, what he feels for Emma – that was a dangerous blaze, compared to the spark he felt for Ethel, and he could no more douse that than he could put out a field on fire with a bucket of water. ]
no subject
If I had the answer to that, Faraday, surely I'd share it with you.
[ it's not like he'd ever stopped loving emma, after all. ]
She's going to be awful upset when you're not showin' up, though.
no subject
Wouldn’t be the first time she’s been sore with me.
[ Might be the last, though, if he plays his cards right.
Faraday lets out a sigh, reaching up to rub at his neck again. In life, he would’ve tried to knead out some of the stiffness knotting his muscles; now, it’s simply muscle memory. ]
I’ll... figure it out.